Due to the seemingly offensive nature of this blog that had some negative after-effects, I feel the need to prepare you for what you are about to read. Please note that this writing is based on a flashback of a boyish, immature mentality that objectified women and their anatomy. The boy was well-trained by a straight world that encouraged the objectification of women. Ironically, my only true friends were women.
For my second blog writing that I promised to release over a week ago, I had to combine a couple ideas. I wanted to write about Spring Break because I had just returned from Palm Springs with a couple gay guys (ages 22 and 23) that were on Spring Break from college. I also wanted to share a bit of my closeted adolescence that adds more significance to reliving Spring Break as a gay adult.
It is hard for anyone that is not gay to understand what gays and lesbians tolerate growing up in a straight-centric world.
Welcome to my adolescence…
When I was a kid, I looked forward to spring the same way a suffocating man seeks oxygen. Like many teens, adolescence was not my friend. Not only was I socially awkward, but I was a gay kid trapped in a straight guy’s life. However, I did have myself fooled into loving pussy because it was the right thing to do. Conversations with friends would frequently revolve around the bases. It fascinated me to find out what girls had been fingered and what guys were doing it to them. I’m not sure if I was getting off on it, or was just trying to make sure I didn’t fall too far behind. It was probably both.
Being a late bloomer, I was extremely evasive of anyone getting down in my business. Let’s just say I was underdeveloped and spent a lot of time praying to God for growth, girth, and grass on the field. Oftentimes I would refer to my family’s copy of ‘Where Did I Come From’ for clues on when my next development would take place. My obsession for pubes led me to my father’s cabinet in his restroom where he kept his Rogaine. I remember the cool feeling as I squeezed the syringe of miracle grow to my Vienna sausage area.
Fortunately, it was not long after that when I developed and harvested a fine layer of hair in all the right places. But with growth comes responsibility. I was fearful and excited about my new equipment. Although I had the sexual energy of a stud, I knew that there was a glitch in the system… the homo feelings glitch. The plan was to proceed towards the female species with blinders that would deflect any doubt of my heterosexuality.
Some would say my accomplishments were victorious (or Oscar worthy). When I was seventeen, I experienced mutual oral sex for the first time with a very special girl (let’s call her Beverly). I went to her parents’ pad where we decided to go for a Jacuzzi. We made out and Bev’s tongue entered my lips like nobody’s business and pried open my jaw . It seemed like it had a mind of its own… practically raping my mouth. Because I have a short tongue that is tied down by skin to the lower part of my mouth, I was unable to return the “favor”. A few minutes into the tongue battle, the hot tub became steamier. Bev reached down to my swim trunks, untied my draw-string, ripped apart the Velcro fly, and her hand began to creep seductively towards my manhood. I was excited she was approaching my unit because I desperately yearned to earn hand job status. But in order to earn this high ranking, I was going to have to rise to the occasion.
The initial excitement boner began to mellow in Bev’s eager palm and I knew I was in trouble. The job was taking longer than expected and it was becoming quite obvious that my kosher dill had become less interested. Beverly gazed into my eyes with a knowing grin and proceeded to make her way down. I could practically hear the ‘Jaws’ theme as she went in for the kill. I closed my eyes and began to fantasize about Ricky Schroeder, Dolph Lundgren, Madonna, my guy friends, their dads, her brother- and the list goes on. The moist, warm mouth couldn’t fool me… this wasn’t working. There was only so much Bev could do with my Floner (floppy boner) before she looked up at me suggesting she had done something wrong.
I redirected our session to some reverse pleasure because I wanted to resume control and redeem myself. I walked my fingers to her wicker basket and entered. Hearing her respond with deep breaths and feeling her warmth and wetness, I was beginning to feel like a man. She sat upon the edge of the pool’s hot tub where I proceeded to move my face forward into the enchanted forest. Based on many porn movies that I had been watching (borrowed from my dad’s secret stash), I had a good idea of what to do. I guided my vibrating, handicapped tongue into her honey pot and was determined to bring her to total ecstasy. But then something unexpected happened. I noticed a strange metallic flavor… the kind of flavor that wasn’t dangerously rotten, but did sort of taste like aluminum foil. I hesitated at first, but then I could practically hear my peers cheering me on… “Eat the pussy, pussy is good”. I waffled in thought with my face inches away from the subtle spoilage… and said to myself, “Eat this pussy, this pussy is good”. So that’s what I did. I didn’t completely understand the appeal. But hey, if this is what makes girls happy, consider me a gentleman. I was privileged to go back for seconds and thirds later that week.
I didn’t want to lose momentum, so soon after, I had the golden opportunity to try the cunnilingus on another girl. I was a bit perplexed by her odorless, almost tasteless vagina and made it a point to tell her that I was so happy her female parts didn’t taste like metal. Who need flowers when you can give a girl a compliment like that?
Adolescence piece seamlessly changing to the subject of Spring Break
When you think of Spring Break, what comes to mind? Road trips, beach trips, and ski trips with the family? Getting together with friends and doing silly, crazy things? Maybe you remember playing truth or Dare, double-dare, double-dog-dare, triple dare, and playing “I never”. For me, it’s all of the above. Of course adding a driver’s license and some wheels to the equation changed everything.
For Spring Break of my senior year in high school, some friends and I drove to South Padre Island. The small Island on the Southern Texas border was well known for its party reputation and encompassed a strip of bars and hotels along the coast. Scott, Jason, and I were best bros self- titled (by Scott) as “Babe Magnets” because we all had convertibles. We felt way sexy when we packed ourselves and luggage into my fancy, red, Chrysler LeBaron convertible. I didn’t know at the time that the red convertible Lebaron comes in third place of gayest cars in history following the convertible Miata and Mini-Coop. Babe Magnets (three Jews) came fully equipped with cash, weed, fake ID’s from Arkansas and Alabama, hair gel, and condoms. I can assure you that the cash, weed, IDs, and hair gel were used frivolously. The condoms were a symbol of us being responsible. Imagine Girls Gone Wild meeting up with the cast of Half Baked (Jewish version-oy!). Frankly, we didn’t have much game. But we did talk about pussy all the time like it was some party that all girls had invited us to… but forgot to leave us the address. Oftentimes, I would find a girl to make out with… but I would bow out of the situation for various reasons. Sometimes I was conveniently too drunk. If I was sober (er), I would start thinking about the girl being somebody’s baby… and how my actions may scar her for life (even though I was limp).
Being gay was a complete buzz-kill for Spring Break. Looking back, I was a fool trying to trick myself into having a good time. I was always living a straight (dorky) party-boy life that was anti-climactic. I remember being so jealous when my friends would successfully ejaculate with a hook up. It was if they had cheated on me. If I wasn’t able to successfully climax with a babe that was magnetized, then no one should. In retrospect, I was a bit selfish, jealous/envious, and territorial (very much like the lesbian).
This game of role-play, me playing straight on high school spring break, transferred flawlessly to college spring break. Even though I was out west at The University of Arizona, It was the same situation with a different cast. The new “babe magnets” were now in form of my fraternity, Sigma Nu. The main difference was my fraternity bros didn’t speak pussy with a southern, Yiddish accent. Sure enough, pussy talk led me and my brothers to Padre Island where I felt a haze of disappointing déjà vu. The only difference was I had a female friend of mine meet me there who was also “bisexual”. Meredith and I came out to each other as being bi shortly before this “vacation”. It was our secret and we had an agreement that it was okay to use each other if we needed to defend our precious heterosexuality. I was able to impress my bros by making out with Meredith in our hotel’s hot tub and switching bathing suit bottoms with her. Funny story… young adults acting silly, being stupid- this was all very apparent.
So let’s flip this humorous Blog/Essay/Chapter and get REAL.
Nothing was real… hookups, drunken fraternity party smiles, beer bongs, spring breaks, religion, relationships…
My life was a fucking joke! Nobody knew me- not even my best fucking friend and closest fucking blood-relative. The slightest real feeling I had would be self-assassinated to defend the honor of my family, my friends, my fraternity, my synagogue. Everything I did was fabricated to hide my homosexuality. I was so scared and lonely that my only fantasy was death. I couldn’t pray myself out of this nightmare because my Jewish congregation did not recognize homosexuality. I sought love and acceptance in horrible places that I can’t share openly about just yet… because I still have such deep shame. Many, many chapters of shame…
To Myself,
Breathe Jonathan, breathe.
Life is different now. Your parents know and love you. You and Lara (sister) share survival stories that have created a bond that no one else could understand. Your friends are all real friends. You change lives by sharing your pain and accomplishments. You have purpose. Cry, it’s okay. You have the freedom to laugh gayly, be proud, be sad, be angry, be wonderful, be cocky, be insecure, be slutty, be a role model, and be real…. Be human. How many people do you know that can be all of those things?
In closing of this blog/wave/letter/chapter/feeling….
When you see gay people gathering for gay prides all over the world, feel free to think of my childhood Spring Break. Feel free to attend the festivals and witness tortured souls that have been freed.
When you see another gay teen suicide on the news… think about all of the gay suicides that didn’t make the news.
When you see a gay couple on TV and feel discomfort, imagine the discomfort that these two individuals survived in order to find one another.
When you see a ballot that says legalize gay marriage, please check “yes”.
Today, I have groceries in my refrigerator that I was able to pay for with my hard-earned cash. The flowers are perfectly arranged on my kitchen table. I notice each flower and color and think to myself, “Thank you God”.
The boxes of things to sort through were belongings of my father who passed away about 2 and a half years ago. On my last trip to Dallas, I was determined to help my mom and sister find some closure by going through my dad’s closet and taking what I wanted. I sent myself the boxes that have been sitting by the front door of my apartment for two months. It’s now time for me to find some closure. I am going to use the Trader Joe’s Bags to sort; for keeps, give away, and two bags for undecided items.
about a sentence of small talk before I asked him, “How are you doing”? He subtly spoke the words “mom says she told you about the x-rays.” I concurred that she had. I asked him, “Are you scared?” He said, “Yes, I am.” I agreed with my dad that I too was scared and assured him that he wasn’t alone.
indicate that she would try to find something on the menu that she likes. Lara would then explain that she was fine eating anywhere and that everyone else just needs to make a decision. My mom would say she’s fine eating anywhere, followed by a statement indicating that she doesn’t really need to eat. As anticipated, my dad offered one of his three favorite restaurants, Pappadeaux. And we all agreed to go with his recommendation.
to communicate with and try to help someone going through the process of losing his dad.
form of obsessive-compulsive disorder. We hit a bump in the road halfway through the trip and I was afraid we had reached our potential. I was wrong. We worked through it and it made me like him more. I feel comfortable speaking with him about my dad because he had lost his dad to cancer ten years ago.
bag. I have a feeling that he didn’t care where his remains would end up. And that’s fine, but a little selfish. Dad, if you are listening, that was kind of “inconsiderate”.
confident that this is my turning point. I wouldn’t be inviting you in if I weren’t ready.
Lucky 13? I have to be honest. The thought of turning thirteen years sober was not pleasant. Apparently, I have some internalized superstition about the number “13” meaning bad luck.
Tuesday night at Donato’s has since become my recovery home group (ie, a meeting that I attend regularly.) My first day of total sobriety was March 28th, 2005. Since then, I have had to change just about everything about myself and my life. Some times have been extremely rough, while other times have been so full of joy that I am overwhelmed with happiness. The main difference now is that I am living rather than surviving.
jonathanbierner.com 